I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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