I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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