I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
