Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
