I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
