Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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