Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
