It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just want nice things and good sex
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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