I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
