I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
