I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
