maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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