i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
