My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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