i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
True college students do jello shots in the library
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