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I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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