"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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