is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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