dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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