His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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