What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
