Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
