I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
