Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Randomize
