I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
