yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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