His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
