you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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