Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
