I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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