please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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