i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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