I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
