Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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