3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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