he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
