lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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