So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
