mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
