Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
