Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
