just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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