I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
