Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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