my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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