Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
