Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
