I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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