You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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