Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
