Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
