I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
