I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
