you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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