I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
