You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
