i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
