how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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