My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
