Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
